Slowly but surely....

I am allowing myself to be happy. At times it is hard to remember that I deserve happiness. So much negative has happened that I sometimes wonder if it is okay to be even remotely happy. I am beginning to see it is a choice I make to allow the negative to stay present in my life. I have allowed myself to be miserable instead of letting the positive rule my life.


Tonoght would be a night the negative is creeping in. I am not sure why but I feel like I am slowly losing control of my life. I am praying to God right now that He covers me in His grace and that He points me in the direction I need to be in. So please pray for me. I need some much needed guidance.

A Time to Learn

God is putting a lot on my heart right now and it is a hard thing to deal with. For so long I thought I had to be me all on my own and I am learning I don't have to.

About a month ago I had my 10 year high school reunion, which by the way I fought against going for so many reasons. I would have to branch out I didn't feel I was ready for that. One reason I didn't want to go was since I have lost all this weight I don't have a lot to wear. I don't have the money to go out and get clothes that fit so I make do. Don't get me wrong when the weight is gone there will be some serious shopping but until then why waste the money. Anyways my mom, who is absolutely wonderful took me shopping and I had no more excuses to not go so I went. It was the best decision I have ever made. I was able to reconnect with old friends and had an amazing time. Through one of the old friends I was able to meet okay re meet (if that is a word) the most amazing man. I do not know where things are going but I know that I want this to work so I am not going to say much except God gives second chances for a reason and I am not fighting him on this.

So what does this have to do with God and learning lessons? Well today was one of my bad days and I shut out people I shouldn't have because I don't have to go through any of this alone. I can still find me with the people I love. I thought for so long that in order to be strong I had to do everything myself. Turns out God's plan was a little different than my own. An aha moment if you will. There are people there if I need a shoulder to cry on or just to vent frustration. It does not make me weak quite the opposite really. I struggle with that a lot. I shut people out because if I can do it on my own I am superwoman. Boy was I wrong. Turns out that I am stronger when I allow people in and allow them to be there.

I struggle financially most months although I always have enough it is still hard. It is like that in most families and I get that I just do not want to admit how hard it is because I worry what people will think. I should not worry about what others think I know but it is a fault I have always had. I struggle trying to be the mommy and the daddy because lets face it most of the time that is what I am. There are days when all that I want to do is just be mommy and nothing else. This is where another God lesson comes in. I don't have to be everything. I have so much support that there is enough love for my boys to move mountains. Now I am not trying to put down their dad I am just saying I have them a majority of the time and I am by myself. I would not trade my time with my monkey's for anything in this world and I am grateful for what I have I just wish that I was just mommy.

Eventually I will find myself again. I am starting to and it is hard. I just may be having to find it one God lesson at a time and that is okay with me.

Where To Begin!!

I was at work today and was informed I hadn't blogged in awhile. I hadn't realized how long it had been. So this is for you Leah!

So much has been happening in my life that it is kind of hard to find the beginning. God has been doing a lot for me in the last month or so and it has all been amazing. There has been some very difficult times but I am finally seeing the light.

It started at the end of July on our family vacation. I had a sort of panic attack shortly before we left and started seeing a counselor who by the way is the most amazing man I have ever met. He has helped me to really see who I am. Pretty much I pay him $100 an hour (yes I am in the wrong profession) to tell me how wonderful I am and that what I am feeling is okay and (gasp!) normal. I am doing amazingly well although there is still a lot of work to do. My self esteem is still suffering but eventually I hope to have a little of my old self back.

I have had to realize things about myself that I definitely did not want to face. I was ashamed to admit how I felt about my divorce and about the father of my wonderful boys. I know God has a plan for us all and that the man I married was in my life for a reason. Whether it be so I could have my boys or so I could meet people along the way, whatever the reason may be I am so grateful that I went through all that I did. I was ashamed to admit that I still let him control parts of my life but I am finally taking back control. I am freeing myself from his grasp and it is the most freeing thing in the world.

I have been spending a lot of time with God lately and conversing about all the people in my life and what they have meant to me at different times in my life. I have so many wonderful people in my life that surround me in prayer, generosity, friendship and love. So God and I talk about all of you and how I am one of the most blessed people in this world. I have surrounded myself by such positive people that only bring me joy instead of tearing me a part. I thank each and everyone of you for helping me through this part of my life. Everyone of you has been a very significant part of my journey. I thank you from the very depths of my soul for what you have done in my life. I love you all.

P.S. The picture of me above was taken about a year ago and for those of you who know about my weight loss journey I am probably 30lbs lighter. I am about 20lbs away from my goal and so far I have lost 72lbs. Yay! I am almost there.

I am constantly amazed!!

I am finding that I am constantly being tested. This is a pretty rough season in my life and I find that the evil one tries to sneak in but I won't let him. I am trying really hard to make something of myself and I really want to go back to school and I will just not as soon as I would like. that was a test for me. I prayed on this for months, well, actually a year just not sure where God was leading me.

Most of you know that I was going to take the paraprofessional test but that became to overwhelming for me so I prayed. I have been doing a lot of that lately and what a difference it makes when you pray and then actually listen, should have done that along time ago. Anyways after a lot of talking I decided that maybe right now I just wasn't mentally ready for that so I decided that I would go to school. In all honesty I knew that that is where God was leading me but I was scared. Starting college 10 years later is a little scary. That is what I need to do though. Tonight I was informed Parker does not want to live in an old house so I guess I better start figuring something out right. Okay so when he said that my heart did hurt a little bit and I got a little angry with his dad but then I prayed. You know what I realized. He is 4 and his Uncle Jay just got a new house and so did his Aunt Erin. And yeah his dad got nicer house but then look who he has to live with I am pretty sure I got the better deal. (Yes i know that was an uncalled for statement but that is what i love about this country. It's called free speech. I am grateful for where I live!) It took a 4 year old saying something to make me realize it but God sometimes uses the little guys to get us adults to listen!

God is constantly amazing me in that way! When sometimes I need to hear certain things and God knows it I sometimes can't believe who is the one He puts the words into. That is why He is the Amazing One!

Today is the Beginning!!

So last Easter on Good Friday I was baptised. I choose that day to give my life to the Lord because He had chosen to give His life for me. What I didn't realize is what a change I would go through. Since my divorce I have had so many just sad days not because I wanted my husband back (his betrayal took care of that) but I was sad because from the day my husband left I wanted to just cling to God and I did but how many other people turn from God at a time like this. My pastor was one of the first people I called I didn't know what to do. I went to church that day as it was a Sunday and after service there were several people who just prayed over me. I cannot tell you how much that meant to me. So yes I have my sad moments but God is on my side and I have my babies and God is taking care of us. When I find myself getting angry I pray for peace and comfort so that I may one day find the answers to my questions and only if He wants me to.

As the title suggests to day is the beginning for what I am not sure. I am starting my life over as a single parent and I do not know where this road will lead but I do know who is leading me. I will follow Him to where ever that may be. I am going to be starting college soon. Which is very scary after not being in school for so long. I am reconnecting with old friends. I am finally find my place in this world all because I decided to give my life up for Christ.

It has been 9 months since my divorce was final and I have yet to find one bad thing that has come of it. I believe God knows what is ahead for us and he gives us what He knows we can handle. I am not a believer in divorce. I think it makes things to easy. There are no consequences to our actions. If things would have been different we could have worked through. I am thankful though that I am becoming stronger and independent everyday. If there is ever a moment when I wonder who is going to be there on those sad days I just listen and God says " I AM".

Do You Really Want To Know?

That is the question I keep asking myself about so many things. Life in general has been alright. I am loving the boys as they start to really grow up. L is becoming quite the little scrapper and I don't mean the kind of scrapper his mommy is. I mean the hitting his brother kind of scrapper. I know he is a boy and that is what boys do but P and L are starting to really fight and I am a girl and girls do not like fights. So I want to ask why do boys fight but do I really want to know? Not so much I would just rather them not do it. Hey I am a mom alright!

I went to my 10 year high school reunion the other night and it was fun. I fought going all day. I didn't really want to see anyone. No offense to those I did see I enjoyed seeing you and I am glad I saw you. I just didn't know what to expect. I had pulled myself away for so long that I wasn't sure I would be welcomed back. I find that I am starting to really open up again. So I find myself asking do I really want to know why I closed myself off. I can answer a big NO!! If I did that I would see that I probably shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. If I hadn't done that I wouldn't have my boys (have you seen them. They are totally worth all this) and I would have gotten to know some of my very best friends.

I saw this very nice looking man the other day with his 2 little kids and I wanted to cry. Which of course I want to do alot of latily, this was different though. I saw something in him that I see in myself (yes I know I am female and he is male just go with it though) at times. He looked so in love with his kids but so tired. I knew the look from the very start I wear it alot. I realized then that I am not doing myself or the boys any good when I don't rest properly. It makes you more irritable with people in general and lets face it the kids are the one suffer. So I ask myself do I really want to know what life is like at 1 am every night? Oh heck no!! (Are you sensing a theme here!) For the record i do not stay up until 1 am every night most night I am in bed by 9 pm. I am an old lady that way but I have been staying up later these last few weeks and I can tell a difference in my attitude because of it.


So in reality I don't really want to know why things are the way they are. I am just happy learning from my experiences and growing in God. Some of who are reading this and saying Oh no she is a Jesus freak and yes I am. without Him I would not be where i am at today and you wouldn't be in my life so deal with it! God is the one with the answers and I am putting my trust in Him to heal these wounds and to take me where I need to be.

I Still Love You!!

I have not forgotten you! I have been a little neglectful though. Honestly I am just writing to say I will be back soon and that I am just busy being mommy right now. I have lots of fun stuff to say but it isn't finalized yet. I can give you a hint though. I am finally doing something that will bring more time away from fun but in the end will benefit my little family!

I have taken the Challenge What About You?

We arrive at the park. You may be wondering where Logan is at. Scroll down you will see. He was not as far away as he looks when this picture was taken!
Here he is! Those little legs never stop running. Are you surprised though! I am not!!

This is the swing that is in the tot section. Logan looks so tiny here!
We had a lot of fun but left for a time because there were some older kids there with potty mouths and I have to little repeaters but we got drinks and came back. (Please don't ask Parker what you say when you break something.) I conquered my fear and the boys had fun. The pictures are worth it and God was there because I really wanted to leave a few times when I was feeling a little nervous about the boys taking off but we set ground rules and they did pretty good. I am going to continue working on my fears and I hope you will to.!!

This is Just the Beginning!

There a few photos missing from this layout but I wanted to share it anyways. I can not believe how many times we miss all of life's little moments because we are so focused on everything else. I look at my boys and I can't believe how fast they are growing. It seems like it was just yesterday we were all worrying about Logan and how sick he had become. (So it was yesterday that I was worried about him, I swear that kid is going to give me a heart attack, but I was more worried that he would some how find a way to fall attempting to be one of the big boys.) I do find myself becoming one of those paranoid parents, but really in this day and age who can blame me. As I was leaving work the other day there was a sign posted that there was an attempted kidnapping in Willamina a town much smaller than my own but not very far from me. I do not want to let those moments keep me from experiencing the rest of the world. Today the boys and I will be going to the park and although it may seem like a simple task to most I am really forcing myself to confront my fears. I fear going to the park by myself and losing the boys or some scary stranger trying to take my boys. I have read to many true crime books and to much Law & Order I know but it is my fear and today will be the first time I will be taking the boys to a park by myself. I know that God will be looking out for us. It is a silly fear but those of you who know me know I have many fears but I am working on confronting all them and conquering them one step at a time. I have a challenge for all of you this week. Think of a fear that might be holding you back and conquer it! Post a comment here and a email me a picture to be posted here. Parker will then draw a name out of a hat and the winner will receive a cool prize from me. Those who scrapbook will get something scrappy and those who don't will get a great book that has really been a big eye opening thing for me. "The Shack", have you read it you should if you haven't. Okay so challenge yourself this week and let me know about it! Remember this is just the beginning of our lives so lets live it like God intended it to be. The winner will be announced next Sunday so go out and face those fears and let God help you fight through that fear!

Trying to Remember!

I was sitting here trying to remember what it was that I really wanted to do when I grew up. I laugh at this because just like at 17 I really do not know what it is and really am I grown up yet. I fins that I am needing to have a conversation about this with God because for whatever reason I am having a hard time listening to Him. I am finding that I am having a hard time hearing Him at all lately and as much as it scares me I also know that He is still with me. I am feeling like I am such a mess right now and just do not know which direction to take. I want to go to school, but what for? I am scheduled to take the paraprofessional test and I do not think that is going to work out. I have been trying to scrapbook for a few days now and just cannot seem to be creative and the house is a mess. On the plus side I started therapy this week and I am very excited about getting some of my issues cleared up. I am going to clean the house tomorrow and try to refocus on God and put some order into this crazy life!

Someday, Maybe!

I try sometimes to put to much pressure on myself to be someone different. To fit in a little more. I was never popular in school, but my sister and brother were. It kind of felt like i was the one maintaining most of my friendships in high school and even out of school. I got married and I became a mom and things changed i began meeting new people I started seeing what true friendship was. I didn't worry so much about being someone else I was growing into me. I became a single mom and I took a step backwards. I still strong friendships, but I find myself asking (more than I would like to admit) do I really fit in here? I still find myself struggling to find my place in this world. Before though I would have been depressed and kind of closed myself off. Today I find myself opening up and fighting for my place. My boys are where I put most of my focus but I am realizing that they need to see that mommy is having fun too. I am focusing on opening up to other people and letting myself just be me and if people don't like me, well I guess that is there loss not mine. You would think that after high school all those self esteem issues would go away. They have gotten better that is fir sure, but they still linger every now and then. Sometimes I wish that things did not happen the way they did that i was still married then I look at who I am now and I am so thankful that I am divorced because I am happy. I am finally happy with me. Yes there are times when I struggle, but really who doesn't. God has shown me things about myself that I didn't think I had and continually surprises me with the strength and courage He has given me. I am working on someday, maybe, realizing truily that it is okay to be me.

An Amazing Sunday!!!

This is such an amazing day. We started this new series at church called "Everyone Has A Story" and let me tell you it was amazing. This woman told us her amazing journey and I don't have her permission to share so I will just tell you that it was amazing. I do not know how I would handle her situation, but this woman is a courageous soul and God has taken care of her and she is proof that God exists!!! It amazes me that not every ones story involves joy and pleasure. The more stories I hear there is a lot of pain and sorrow, but God is always there and we can always find Him even in our most painful moments. It is amazing that we still can have a really painful season and God is there front and center bringing us joy in a way we might be able to fully understand!!! God is forever amazing me!!!

(You maybe wondering about this layout. I made this layout for the Becky Fleck page maps blog contest. Becky is an amazing woman and I give her props for all of her sketchy goodness. I am trying to get some more pages done so we will see how that goes.)

I am still in my story of coming to God! I try to be with Him everyday but as a single mom I find myself not always keeping my priorities where they should be. I am finding it easier to deal with every day issues if I put God first and I can tell a differece when I don't. I find that i still struggle with the forgeting the past because God has. I still find myself thinking I am not good enough. I made mistakes in the past that I am not proud of and if I could am finding out I would not take back because they have made me who I am!! Even though I am a christian that does not make me perfect and I am still a sinner as much as I don't want to be that is the truth. My past is full of sin, but I have given it to the Lord and He has forgiven me and I have to forgive myself and forget about it. I am accountable but that doesn't mean I have to be controlled by my sin. I learned from it now I move forward and live with God in the present not the past or future. My advice to anyone struggling today is to sit down with God today and just listen. He may have words that you don't want to hear but what He says is good even if you don't like what is being said. He loves you and will tell you what you need to hear not what you want to hear. God Bless and share your story you never know who may need to hear it, but someone will!!

Life Can Throw You A Curve Ball!!

Life As I Know It!!

God is doing great things in my life and I believe it is only going to get better. I know that the challenges of the last year have made me a better person. I am a strong woman who has beaten depression and so many other things that I know I can get past this. God is doing good here I tell you what. I was baptised on Good Friday. I choose that day because I felt that Jesus gave his life for me so I will give my life for Him. That is a great feeling!!! I am a true testimont that God provides. It may not seem like I am going to have enough money, but there seems to always be plenty right when I need it.

I guess I should explain that I am a single mommy to 2 very hadsome boys who I could not be more proud of. There daddy and I divorced last year and it was not easy. God however as provided me with more patients than most would have (at least that is what my friends tell me) and a calmness that I didn't know existed. I am a much happier woman!! I have really clung to my faith, family, and friends during this time and I am starting to realize I may have lost something, but what I have gained is so much better.

Anyways, I saw that Becky Fleck has a new blog and she was hosting a contest so I think I will work on a page for that. As I said God is doing such great things in my life and scrapbooking is just one of them. I am just beginning to feel the mojo again which is great because I feared I might have lost it. I suppose I should mention that I am also a scrabooker as i am sure you may have already guessed. So stay tuned for what I hope will be some killer inspiration!!

Oh and that photo of me was taken by my 4 year old. You will meet my boys later I promise!!