Today is the Beginning!!

So last Easter on Good Friday I was baptised. I choose that day to give my life to the Lord because He had chosen to give His life for me. What I didn't realize is what a change I would go through. Since my divorce I have had so many just sad days not because I wanted my husband back (his betrayal took care of that) but I was sad because from the day my husband left I wanted to just cling to God and I did but how many other people turn from God at a time like this. My pastor was one of the first people I called I didn't know what to do. I went to church that day as it was a Sunday and after service there were several people who just prayed over me. I cannot tell you how much that meant to me. So yes I have my sad moments but God is on my side and I have my babies and God is taking care of us. When I find myself getting angry I pray for peace and comfort so that I may one day find the answers to my questions and only if He wants me to.

As the title suggests to day is the beginning for what I am not sure. I am starting my life over as a single parent and I do not know where this road will lead but I do know who is leading me. I will follow Him to where ever that may be. I am going to be starting college soon. Which is very scary after not being in school for so long. I am reconnecting with old friends. I am finally find my place in this world all because I decided to give my life up for Christ.

It has been 9 months since my divorce was final and I have yet to find one bad thing that has come of it. I believe God knows what is ahead for us and he gives us what He knows we can handle. I am not a believer in divorce. I think it makes things to easy. There are no consequences to our actions. If things would have been different we could have worked through. I am thankful though that I am becoming stronger and independent everyday. If there is ever a moment when I wonder who is going to be there on those sad days I just listen and God says " I AM".

Do You Really Want To Know?

That is the question I keep asking myself about so many things. Life in general has been alright. I am loving the boys as they start to really grow up. L is becoming quite the little scrapper and I don't mean the kind of scrapper his mommy is. I mean the hitting his brother kind of scrapper. I know he is a boy and that is what boys do but P and L are starting to really fight and I am a girl and girls do not like fights. So I want to ask why do boys fight but do I really want to know? Not so much I would just rather them not do it. Hey I am a mom alright!

I went to my 10 year high school reunion the other night and it was fun. I fought going all day. I didn't really want to see anyone. No offense to those I did see I enjoyed seeing you and I am glad I saw you. I just didn't know what to expect. I had pulled myself away for so long that I wasn't sure I would be welcomed back. I find that I am starting to really open up again. So I find myself asking do I really want to know why I closed myself off. I can answer a big NO!! If I did that I would see that I probably shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. If I hadn't done that I wouldn't have my boys (have you seen them. They are totally worth all this) and I would have gotten to know some of my very best friends.

I saw this very nice looking man the other day with his 2 little kids and I wanted to cry. Which of course I want to do alot of latily, this was different though. I saw something in him that I see in myself (yes I know I am female and he is male just go with it though) at times. He looked so in love with his kids but so tired. I knew the look from the very start I wear it alot. I realized then that I am not doing myself or the boys any good when I don't rest properly. It makes you more irritable with people in general and lets face it the kids are the one suffer. So I ask myself do I really want to know what life is like at 1 am every night? Oh heck no!! (Are you sensing a theme here!) For the record i do not stay up until 1 am every night most night I am in bed by 9 pm. I am an old lady that way but I have been staying up later these last few weeks and I can tell a difference in my attitude because of it.


So in reality I don't really want to know why things are the way they are. I am just happy learning from my experiences and growing in God. Some of who are reading this and saying Oh no she is a Jesus freak and yes I am. without Him I would not be where i am at today and you wouldn't be in my life so deal with it! God is the one with the answers and I am putting my trust in Him to heal these wounds and to take me where I need to be.

I Still Love You!!

I have not forgotten you! I have been a little neglectful though. Honestly I am just writing to say I will be back soon and that I am just busy being mommy right now. I have lots of fun stuff to say but it isn't finalized yet. I can give you a hint though. I am finally doing something that will bring more time away from fun but in the end will benefit my little family!

I have taken the Challenge What About You?

We arrive at the park. You may be wondering where Logan is at. Scroll down you will see. He was not as far away as he looks when this picture was taken!
Here he is! Those little legs never stop running. Are you surprised though! I am not!!

This is the swing that is in the tot section. Logan looks so tiny here!
We had a lot of fun but left for a time because there were some older kids there with potty mouths and I have to little repeaters but we got drinks and came back. (Please don't ask Parker what you say when you break something.) I conquered my fear and the boys had fun. The pictures are worth it and God was there because I really wanted to leave a few times when I was feeling a little nervous about the boys taking off but we set ground rules and they did pretty good. I am going to continue working on my fears and I hope you will to.!!

This is Just the Beginning!

There a few photos missing from this layout but I wanted to share it anyways. I can not believe how many times we miss all of life's little moments because we are so focused on everything else. I look at my boys and I can't believe how fast they are growing. It seems like it was just yesterday we were all worrying about Logan and how sick he had become. (So it was yesterday that I was worried about him, I swear that kid is going to give me a heart attack, but I was more worried that he would some how find a way to fall attempting to be one of the big boys.) I do find myself becoming one of those paranoid parents, but really in this day and age who can blame me. As I was leaving work the other day there was a sign posted that there was an attempted kidnapping in Willamina a town much smaller than my own but not very far from me. I do not want to let those moments keep me from experiencing the rest of the world. Today the boys and I will be going to the park and although it may seem like a simple task to most I am really forcing myself to confront my fears. I fear going to the park by myself and losing the boys or some scary stranger trying to take my boys. I have read to many true crime books and to much Law & Order I know but it is my fear and today will be the first time I will be taking the boys to a park by myself. I know that God will be looking out for us. It is a silly fear but those of you who know me know I have many fears but I am working on confronting all them and conquering them one step at a time. I have a challenge for all of you this week. Think of a fear that might be holding you back and conquer it! Post a comment here and a email me a picture to be posted here. Parker will then draw a name out of a hat and the winner will receive a cool prize from me. Those who scrapbook will get something scrappy and those who don't will get a great book that has really been a big eye opening thing for me. "The Shack", have you read it you should if you haven't. Okay so challenge yourself this week and let me know about it! Remember this is just the beginning of our lives so lets live it like God intended it to be. The winner will be announced next Sunday so go out and face those fears and let God help you fight through that fear!

Trying to Remember!

I was sitting here trying to remember what it was that I really wanted to do when I grew up. I laugh at this because just like at 17 I really do not know what it is and really am I grown up yet. I fins that I am needing to have a conversation about this with God because for whatever reason I am having a hard time listening to Him. I am finding that I am having a hard time hearing Him at all lately and as much as it scares me I also know that He is still with me. I am feeling like I am such a mess right now and just do not know which direction to take. I want to go to school, but what for? I am scheduled to take the paraprofessional test and I do not think that is going to work out. I have been trying to scrapbook for a few days now and just cannot seem to be creative and the house is a mess. On the plus side I started therapy this week and I am very excited about getting some of my issues cleared up. I am going to clean the house tomorrow and try to refocus on God and put some order into this crazy life!

Someday, Maybe!

I try sometimes to put to much pressure on myself to be someone different. To fit in a little more. I was never popular in school, but my sister and brother were. It kind of felt like i was the one maintaining most of my friendships in high school and even out of school. I got married and I became a mom and things changed i began meeting new people I started seeing what true friendship was. I didn't worry so much about being someone else I was growing into me. I became a single mom and I took a step backwards. I still strong friendships, but I find myself asking (more than I would like to admit) do I really fit in here? I still find myself struggling to find my place in this world. Before though I would have been depressed and kind of closed myself off. Today I find myself opening up and fighting for my place. My boys are where I put most of my focus but I am realizing that they need to see that mommy is having fun too. I am focusing on opening up to other people and letting myself just be me and if people don't like me, well I guess that is there loss not mine. You would think that after high school all those self esteem issues would go away. They have gotten better that is fir sure, but they still linger every now and then. Sometimes I wish that things did not happen the way they did that i was still married then I look at who I am now and I am so thankful that I am divorced because I am happy. I am finally happy with me. Yes there are times when I struggle, but really who doesn't. God has shown me things about myself that I didn't think I had and continually surprises me with the strength and courage He has given me. I am working on someday, maybe, realizing truily that it is okay to be me.