Thursday, September 10, 2009
And You Thought I Was Dumb!!
God is changing things in my life once again. I am finally seeing the path I should be on and I am slowly headed in that direction. That is not what I am here to talk about though. Since Pman as started school and I have had to get up at 6:30 to get him ready I have realized that our lives our on the fast track to growing up even if I am not ready. I realized this most the other day when Pman was very upset when he had another day off from school he didn't want another day off. At that moment I realized I wasn't as dumb as I thought I have taught my boys so much more than I thought. We may not have money but we have so much more and the fact that my son is so excited to learn is amazing! I am starting to see I may not have all the anwsers but Pman and Little D are s0 eager to learn and expand their minds that even if I didn't make all the right choices they will learn from me and make the changes that will make their futures brighter. God has a plan for the 3 of us and we are well on our way. R is a part of that plan I believe and every day I wake up knowing how much he loves us and how lucky we stepped out of the fear and took a chance. I am amazed at the man he is and never thought I would find a man like him. I am certainly not dumb and I am counting my blessings everyday!!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
A Second Chance!!
I am not really sure how to begin this post. I have had this heart for a while but honestly I have been afraid to bring it to the surface. You see I thought that if I talked about it I would look silly. For all that know me yes I am a goofball, but I am being grown up here or at least making an attempt. In part this is sort of an apology to people I believe deserve it and also a thank you to those who have helped me get to my second chance. So please even if your not sure what the heck I am talking about read on you are probably included.
As we grow up we sometimes make mistakes heck even as grown ups we make mistakes and it sometimes hurts the people we love most. In school I had 2 friends, well more than 2 but whatever, we will call them V and C we were pretty much inseparable. I loved these girls and I still do. They were always there no matter what. We laughed, we cried, we got mad at stupid people we were best friends. After high school we will just say these girls could blackmail me with what they know lol but I could do the same. The point is we were true friends, but I made a mistake I walked away. I met my ex husband and I just let them go along with lots of others but it always haunted me that I did that. I thought about them a lot and missed them even more but I just walked away. A year ago I went to my class reunion and reconnected with V and C and feel like I had missed so much in their lives. I got a second chance with my girls! I am so sorry I took my chicas for granted and I am sorry that I had A as a bridesmaid instead of you girls. I am so glad that I went that day because I didn't want to go but the 2 of you made it worth it.
Now Leah this is meant for you along with several other women but as I know you read this blog I am going to address you in particular. When my ex left I felt lost. As much as it was a weight lifted off my shoulders I was devastated. I can't tell you why but some of the conversations we had have been some of the most important conversations I have had, to you they may have not been anything but to me they meant the world. The day you told me that I was going to be able to attend the women's retreat my covered plus the decision to give me the single room you will never know how much that meant to me. That weekend was the first time I knew I was going to be okay it was the first time I knew God wasn't taking something away He was giving me what I needed. All those women I wish I could address them all but I can't but God knows. And Connections and the wonderful gift that you guys put together for the boys and I and Stef and Leslie bringing it over you guys really are a gift to me. Thank you for being an inspiration to me!!
M there are no words!! You have been there for me through some really rough days. You and D made me feel like I was something before I felt like nothing. You made me answer some tough questions. You always made sure the boys and I were okay. Our talks by the fire are really what got me through some of the worst nights. As busy as life got or brain surgery you were still there you brought me back to God. I love you guys!!
Now V what can I say besides you are the coolest chick ever!! If it weren't for you I would not have R in my life. I am so in love with that guy!! You V have helped me to see where I was meant to be and even if it took months who my second chance was meant to be. you have cheered me up and sang with me when maybe you didn't want to. I am so glad that we have a second chance at being friends!
Now R probably won't read this but I want you to know that I have an amazing man in my life. He not only adores me, he adores my boys just as much. He is there for the 3 of us in ways that still blow me away. He makes me smile and laugh when sometimes I just want to cry which when I do cry he holds me and wants to beat up whoever made me cry. He's a guy so I let that part go. the best part is he just wants me to be me. I love this man with all my heart and I believe with all my heart he is my second chance!!
P.S. I know I didn't thank everyone but know that I am thankful to everyone who has helped me the last 2 years. I know that I didn't thank my family but I am beyond speechless to them and I will be thanking them for years to come.
As we grow up we sometimes make mistakes heck even as grown ups we make mistakes and it sometimes hurts the people we love most. In school I had 2 friends, well more than 2 but whatever, we will call them V and C we were pretty much inseparable. I loved these girls and I still do. They were always there no matter what. We laughed, we cried, we got mad at stupid people we were best friends. After high school we will just say these girls could blackmail me with what they know lol but I could do the same. The point is we were true friends, but I made a mistake I walked away. I met my ex husband and I just let them go along with lots of others but it always haunted me that I did that. I thought about them a lot and missed them even more but I just walked away. A year ago I went to my class reunion and reconnected with V and C and feel like I had missed so much in their lives. I got a second chance with my girls! I am so sorry I took my chicas for granted and I am sorry that I had A as a bridesmaid instead of you girls. I am so glad that I went that day because I didn't want to go but the 2 of you made it worth it.
Now Leah this is meant for you along with several other women but as I know you read this blog I am going to address you in particular. When my ex left I felt lost. As much as it was a weight lifted off my shoulders I was devastated. I can't tell you why but some of the conversations we had have been some of the most important conversations I have had, to you they may have not been anything but to me they meant the world. The day you told me that I was going to be able to attend the women's retreat my covered plus the decision to give me the single room you will never know how much that meant to me. That weekend was the first time I knew I was going to be okay it was the first time I knew God wasn't taking something away He was giving me what I needed. All those women I wish I could address them all but I can't but God knows. And Connections and the wonderful gift that you guys put together for the boys and I and Stef and Leslie bringing it over you guys really are a gift to me. Thank you for being an inspiration to me!!
M there are no words!! You have been there for me through some really rough days. You and D made me feel like I was something before I felt like nothing. You made me answer some tough questions. You always made sure the boys and I were okay. Our talks by the fire are really what got me through some of the worst nights. As busy as life got or brain surgery you were still there you brought me back to God. I love you guys!!
Now V what can I say besides you are the coolest chick ever!! If it weren't for you I would not have R in my life. I am so in love with that guy!! You V have helped me to see where I was meant to be and even if it took months who my second chance was meant to be. you have cheered me up and sang with me when maybe you didn't want to. I am so glad that we have a second chance at being friends!
Now R probably won't read this but I want you to know that I have an amazing man in my life. He not only adores me, he adores my boys just as much. He is there for the 3 of us in ways that still blow me away. He makes me smile and laugh when sometimes I just want to cry which when I do cry he holds me and wants to beat up whoever made me cry. He's a guy so I let that part go. the best part is he just wants me to be me. I love this man with all my heart and I believe with all my heart he is my second chance!!
P.S. I know I didn't thank everyone but know that I am thankful to everyone who has helped me the last 2 years. I know that I didn't thank my family but I am beyond speechless to them and I will be thanking them for years to come.
Friday, May 1, 2009
So I Live On
Life has sort of gotten crazy for me so I have been MIA in the blogging world. I don't want any of you to think I have forgotten about you because I haven't. I am always reading to keep up with you and always praying for you in whatever journey you may be on. And now so that Leah will not hunt me down here is what my life has been like.
The boys have been growing up very fast. Pman will be in kindergarten and this mama is having a very hard time with it. I dropped him off at the play school for the first time last week and cried because he didn't even say good bye just went right into the classroom. Now some of you might be thinking buck up Sarah its just the beginning. I know this is true but I did not go through all that labor just so he could walk into the classroom without so much as a good bye mama. So I solved the problem this week by walking him to his classroom and asking him if he thought he could remember to say good bye to me this time. He obliged but when I picked him up I told him I missed him and he told me that he didn't miss me. This is going to be a very big year of letting my first born, my pman, Mr. P, my wonderful son grow up.
L is a whole other story. It is easy to forget he is 2 1/2 sometimes. He still needs me of course but he mimics his brother so much it is scary. He is a little upset he will not be going with his big brother on his adventure to kindergarten but knows he will get there eventually. He is starting those terrible 2s like no other and I am reminded on a daily basis that I must practice my patients. Case in point the other day he was getting scolded for something in my mean mom voice as the boys call it, and he told me to not talk to him that way. I took a deep breath as my words came to bit me in the rear as they are what I tell the boys when there attitude is out of line. He is at the age of mimicking so if you see my monkey around please fill him with nice words.
As for me my life has been ever changing. I now have the most wonderful boyfriend I could ever ask for and I truly am blessed. This journey has come full circle and I am starting over. It is a new beginning
The boys have been growing up very fast. Pman will be in kindergarten and this mama is having a very hard time with it. I dropped him off at the play school for the first time last week and cried because he didn't even say good bye just went right into the classroom. Now some of you might be thinking buck up Sarah its just the beginning. I know this is true but I did not go through all that labor just so he could walk into the classroom without so much as a good bye mama. So I solved the problem this week by walking him to his classroom and asking him if he thought he could remember to say good bye to me this time. He obliged but when I picked him up I told him I missed him and he told me that he didn't miss me. This is going to be a very big year of letting my first born, my pman, Mr. P, my wonderful son grow up.
L is a whole other story. It is easy to forget he is 2 1/2 sometimes. He still needs me of course but he mimics his brother so much it is scary. He is a little upset he will not be going with his big brother on his adventure to kindergarten but knows he will get there eventually. He is starting those terrible 2s like no other and I am reminded on a daily basis that I must practice my patients. Case in point the other day he was getting scolded for something in my mean mom voice as the boys call it, and he told me to not talk to him that way. I took a deep breath as my words came to bit me in the rear as they are what I tell the boys when there attitude is out of line. He is at the age of mimicking so if you see my monkey around please fill him with nice words.
As for me my life has been ever changing. I now have the most wonderful boyfriend I could ever ask for and I truly am blessed. This journey has come full circle and I am starting over. It is a new beginning
Friday, October 3, 2008
Slowly but surely....
I am allowing myself to be happy. At times it is hard to remember that I deserve happiness. So much negative has happened that I sometimes wonder if it is okay to be even remotely happy. I am beginning to see it is a choice I make to allow the negative to stay present in my life. I have allowed myself to be miserable instead of letting the positive rule my life.
Tonoght would be a night the negative is creeping in. I am not sure why but I feel like I am slowly losing control of my life. I am praying to God right now that He covers me in His grace and that He points me in the direction I need to be in. So please pray for me. I need some much needed guidance.
Tonoght would be a night the negative is creeping in. I am not sure why but I feel like I am slowly losing control of my life. I am praying to God right now that He covers me in His grace and that He points me in the direction I need to be in. So please pray for me. I need some much needed guidance.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
A Time to Learn
God is putting a lot on my heart right now and it is a hard thing to deal with. For so long I thought I had to be me all on my own and I am learning I don't have to.
About a month ago I had my 10 year high school reunion, which by the way I fought against going for so many reasons. I would have to branch out I didn't feel I was ready for that. One reason I didn't want to go was since I have lost all this weight I don't have a lot to wear. I don't have the money to go out and get clothes that fit so I make do. Don't get me wrong when the weight is gone there will be some serious shopping but until then why waste the money. Anyways my mom, who is absolutely wonderful took me shopping and I had no more excuses to not go so I went. It was the best decision I have ever made. I was able to reconnect with old friends and had an amazing time. Through one of the old friends I was able to meet okay re meet (if that is a word) the most amazing man. I do not know where things are going but I know that I want this to work so I am not going to say much except God gives second chances for a reason and I am not fighting him on this.
So what does this have to do with God and learning lessons? Well today was one of my bad days and I shut out people I shouldn't have because I don't have to go through any of this alone. I can still find me with the people I love. I thought for so long that in order to be strong I had to do everything myself. Turns out God's plan was a little different than my own. An aha moment if you will. There are people there if I need a shoulder to cry on or just to vent frustration. It does not make me weak quite the opposite really. I struggle with that a lot. I shut people out because if I can do it on my own I am superwoman. Boy was I wrong. Turns out that I am stronger when I allow people in and allow them to be there.
I struggle financially most months although I always have enough it is still hard. It is like that in most families and I get that I just do not want to admit how hard it is because I worry what people will think. I should not worry about what others think I know but it is a fault I have always had. I struggle trying to be the mommy and the daddy because lets face it most of the time that is what I am. There are days when all that I want to do is just be mommy and nothing else. This is where another God lesson comes in. I don't have to be everything. I have so much support that there is enough love for my boys to move mountains. Now I am not trying to put down their dad I am just saying I have them a majority of the time and I am by myself. I would not trade my time with my monkey's for anything in this world and I am grateful for what I have I just wish that I was just mommy.
Eventually I will find myself again. I am starting to and it is hard. I just may be having to find it one God lesson at a time and that is okay with me.
About a month ago I had my 10 year high school reunion, which by the way I fought against going for so many reasons. I would have to branch out I didn't feel I was ready for that. One reason I didn't want to go was since I have lost all this weight I don't have a lot to wear. I don't have the money to go out and get clothes that fit so I make do. Don't get me wrong when the weight is gone there will be some serious shopping but until then why waste the money. Anyways my mom, who is absolutely wonderful took me shopping and I had no more excuses to not go so I went. It was the best decision I have ever made. I was able to reconnect with old friends and had an amazing time. Through one of the old friends I was able to meet okay re meet (if that is a word) the most amazing man. I do not know where things are going but I know that I want this to work so I am not going to say much except God gives second chances for a reason and I am not fighting him on this.
So what does this have to do with God and learning lessons? Well today was one of my bad days and I shut out people I shouldn't have because I don't have to go through any of this alone. I can still find me with the people I love. I thought for so long that in order to be strong I had to do everything myself. Turns out God's plan was a little different than my own. An aha moment if you will. There are people there if I need a shoulder to cry on or just to vent frustration. It does not make me weak quite the opposite really. I struggle with that a lot. I shut people out because if I can do it on my own I am superwoman. Boy was I wrong. Turns out that I am stronger when I allow people in and allow them to be there.
I struggle financially most months although I always have enough it is still hard. It is like that in most families and I get that I just do not want to admit how hard it is because I worry what people will think. I should not worry about what others think I know but it is a fault I have always had. I struggle trying to be the mommy and the daddy because lets face it most of the time that is what I am. There are days when all that I want to do is just be mommy and nothing else. This is where another God lesson comes in. I don't have to be everything. I have so much support that there is enough love for my boys to move mountains. Now I am not trying to put down their dad I am just saying I have them a majority of the time and I am by myself. I would not trade my time with my monkey's for anything in this world and I am grateful for what I have I just wish that I was just mommy.
Eventually I will find myself again. I am starting to and it is hard. I just may be having to find it one God lesson at a time and that is okay with me.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Where To Begin!!
I was at work today and was informed I hadn't blogged in awhile. I hadn't realized how long it had been. So this is for you Leah!
So much has been happening in my life that it is kind of hard to find the beginning. God has been doing a lot for me in the last month or so and it has all been amazing. There has been some very difficult times but I am finally seeing the light.
It started at the end of July on our family vacation. I had a sort of panic attack shortly before we left and started seeing a counselor who by the way is the most amazing man I have ever met. He has helped me to really see who I am. Pretty much I pay him $100 an hour (yes I am in the wrong profession) to tell me how wonderful I am and that what I am feeling is okay and (gasp!) normal. I am doing amazingly well although there is still a lot of work to do. My self esteem is still suffering but eventually I hope to have a little of my old self back.
I have had to realize things about myself that I definitely did not want to face. I was ashamed to admit how I felt about my divorce and about the father of my wonderful boys. I know God has a plan for us all and that the man I married was in my life for a reason. Whether it be so I could have my boys or so I could meet people along the way, whatever the reason may be I am so grateful that I went through all that I did. I was ashamed to admit that I still let him control parts of my life but I am finally taking back control. I am freeing myself from his grasp and it is the most freeing thing in the world.
I have been spending a lot of time with God lately and conversing about all the people in my life and what they have meant to me at different times in my life. I have so many wonderful people in my life that surround me in prayer, generosity, friendship and love. So God and I talk about all of you and how I am one of the most blessed people in this world. I have surrounded myself by such positive people that only bring me joy instead of tearing me a part. I thank each and everyone of you for helping me through this part of my life. Everyone of you has been a very significant part of my journey. I thank you from the very depths of my soul for what you have done in my life. I love you all.
P.S. The picture of me above was taken about a year ago and for those of you who know about my weight loss journey I am probably 30lbs lighter. I am about 20lbs away from my goal and so far I have lost 72lbs. Yay! I am almost there.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
I am constantly amazed!!
I am finding that I am constantly being tested. This is a pretty rough season in my life and I find that the evil one tries to sneak in but I won't let him. I am trying really hard to make something of myself and I really want to go back to school and I will just not as soon as I would like. that was a test for me. I prayed on this for months, well, actually a year just not sure where God was leading me.
Most of you know that I was going to take the paraprofessional test but that became to overwhelming for me so I prayed. I have been doing a lot of that lately and what a difference it makes when you pray and then actually listen, should have done that along time ago. Anyways after a lot of talking I decided that maybe right now I just wasn't mentally ready for that so I decided that I would go to school. In all honesty I knew that that is where God was leading me but I was scared. Starting college 10 years later is a little scary. That is what I need to do though. Tonight I was informed Parker does not want to live in an old house so I guess I better start figuring something out right. Okay so when he said that my heart did hurt a little bit and I got a little angry with his dad but then I prayed. You know what I realized. He is 4 and his Uncle Jay just got a new house and so did his Aunt Erin. And yeah his dad got nicer house but then look who he has to live with I am pretty sure I got the better deal. (Yes i know that was an uncalled for statement but that is what i love about this country. It's called free speech. I am grateful for where I live!) It took a 4 year old saying something to make me realize it but God sometimes uses the little guys to get us adults to listen!
God is constantly amazing me in that way! When sometimes I need to hear certain things and God knows it I sometimes can't believe who is the one He puts the words into. That is why He is the Amazing One!
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