I am allowing myself to be happy. At times it is hard to remember that I deserve happiness. So much negative has happened that I sometimes wonder if it is okay to be even remotely happy. I am beginning to see it is a choice I make to allow the negative to stay present in my life. I have allowed myself to be miserable instead of letting the positive rule my life.
Tonoght would be a night the negative is creeping in. I am not sure why but I feel like I am slowly losing control of my life. I am praying to God right now that He covers me in His grace and that He points me in the direction I need to be in. So please pray for me. I need some much needed guidance.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
A Time to Learn
God is putting a lot on my heart right now and it is a hard thing to deal with. For so long I thought I had to be me all on my own and I am learning I don't have to.
About a month ago I had my 10 year high school reunion, which by the way I fought against going for so many reasons. I would have to branch out I didn't feel I was ready for that. One reason I didn't want to go was since I have lost all this weight I don't have a lot to wear. I don't have the money to go out and get clothes that fit so I make do. Don't get me wrong when the weight is gone there will be some serious shopping but until then why waste the money. Anyways my mom, who is absolutely wonderful took me shopping and I had no more excuses to not go so I went. It was the best decision I have ever made. I was able to reconnect with old friends and had an amazing time. Through one of the old friends I was able to meet okay re meet (if that is a word) the most amazing man. I do not know where things are going but I know that I want this to work so I am not going to say much except God gives second chances for a reason and I am not fighting him on this.
So what does this have to do with God and learning lessons? Well today was one of my bad days and I shut out people I shouldn't have because I don't have to go through any of this alone. I can still find me with the people I love. I thought for so long that in order to be strong I had to do everything myself. Turns out God's plan was a little different than my own. An aha moment if you will. There are people there if I need a shoulder to cry on or just to vent frustration. It does not make me weak quite the opposite really. I struggle with that a lot. I shut people out because if I can do it on my own I am superwoman. Boy was I wrong. Turns out that I am stronger when I allow people in and allow them to be there.
I struggle financially most months although I always have enough it is still hard. It is like that in most families and I get that I just do not want to admit how hard it is because I worry what people will think. I should not worry about what others think I know but it is a fault I have always had. I struggle trying to be the mommy and the daddy because lets face it most of the time that is what I am. There are days when all that I want to do is just be mommy and nothing else. This is where another God lesson comes in. I don't have to be everything. I have so much support that there is enough love for my boys to move mountains. Now I am not trying to put down their dad I am just saying I have them a majority of the time and I am by myself. I would not trade my time with my monkey's for anything in this world and I am grateful for what I have I just wish that I was just mommy.
Eventually I will find myself again. I am starting to and it is hard. I just may be having to find it one God lesson at a time and that is okay with me.
About a month ago I had my 10 year high school reunion, which by the way I fought against going for so many reasons. I would have to branch out I didn't feel I was ready for that. One reason I didn't want to go was since I have lost all this weight I don't have a lot to wear. I don't have the money to go out and get clothes that fit so I make do. Don't get me wrong when the weight is gone there will be some serious shopping but until then why waste the money. Anyways my mom, who is absolutely wonderful took me shopping and I had no more excuses to not go so I went. It was the best decision I have ever made. I was able to reconnect with old friends and had an amazing time. Through one of the old friends I was able to meet okay re meet (if that is a word) the most amazing man. I do not know where things are going but I know that I want this to work so I am not going to say much except God gives second chances for a reason and I am not fighting him on this.
So what does this have to do with God and learning lessons? Well today was one of my bad days and I shut out people I shouldn't have because I don't have to go through any of this alone. I can still find me with the people I love. I thought for so long that in order to be strong I had to do everything myself. Turns out God's plan was a little different than my own. An aha moment if you will. There are people there if I need a shoulder to cry on or just to vent frustration. It does not make me weak quite the opposite really. I struggle with that a lot. I shut people out because if I can do it on my own I am superwoman. Boy was I wrong. Turns out that I am stronger when I allow people in and allow them to be there.
I struggle financially most months although I always have enough it is still hard. It is like that in most families and I get that I just do not want to admit how hard it is because I worry what people will think. I should not worry about what others think I know but it is a fault I have always had. I struggle trying to be the mommy and the daddy because lets face it most of the time that is what I am. There are days when all that I want to do is just be mommy and nothing else. This is where another God lesson comes in. I don't have to be everything. I have so much support that there is enough love for my boys to move mountains. Now I am not trying to put down their dad I am just saying I have them a majority of the time and I am by myself. I would not trade my time with my monkey's for anything in this world and I am grateful for what I have I just wish that I was just mommy.
Eventually I will find myself again. I am starting to and it is hard. I just may be having to find it one God lesson at a time and that is okay with me.
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